Episode 27: Where Confidence Really Comes From
We’ve been raised to believe that we gain confidence by doing something and not just doing it but doing it well.
When someone sings a song and nails it, we assume they have confidence. We assume they’ve done it many, many times before so that’s what makes them be able to do it now and make it look so effortless.
Not so.
Confidence isn’t something you get after you do something.
It’s the deep sense that you can handle the emotional outcome of whatever you pursue or face. It has nothing to do with doing the thing. It’s about knowing you can handle whatever happens.
What You’ll Learn:
- How society programs us to think about confidence.
- What fear and excitement have in common.
- What athletes know that we forget.
- The exact process to take to process all feelings.
Understanding how you feel is crucial to your success both personally and professionally. Take time to recognize, understand and feel this week. It’s the only way to really find joy in creating what you crave.
Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:
You don’t have to do this alone. Partnering with me as your coach is THE way to make the shifts you need to take your career and life to the next level. Schedule a Discovery Call with me today and we’ll talk about what’s keeping you stuck. You + Me = THE best investment you’ll ever make!
Episode 27: Where Confidence Really Comes From (Transcript)
In last week’s episode, I talked about all the hats we wear as women and how exhausting it all can get.
Maya Angelou said, “When you know better, you do better.”
Oh how I wish that were always the case.
How often have I known I was adding too much to my plate, but I did it anyway. How many times have I said “yes” when I really meant “no” or decided I would do it myself, because then it would get done right. Translation – the way I wanted it.
You know what I’m talking about.
I talked about the one and only hat you’ll ever need to wear – confidence. So let’s dive deeper into what confidence is and where it comes from.
What is Confidence?
Confidence is an inside job. Did you know that? I truly mean that it comes from inside yourself.
You can’t absorb it by osmosis if you stand near people you think have confidence. It doesn’t rub off on you, but wouldn’t that be great if it did?!
We’ve been raised to believe that we gain confidence by doing something and not just doing it but doing it well.
When someone sings a song and nails it, we assume they have confidence. We assume they’ve done it many, many times before so that’s what makes them be able to do it now and make it look so effortless.
Not so.
Confidence isn’t something you get after you do something.
It’s the deep sense that you can handle the emotional outcome of whatever you pursue or face. It has nothing to do with doing the thing. It’s about knowing you can handle whatever happens.
If you are someone who wishes you could speak up or voice your opinions it’s not going to happen if you don’t decide first to be confident.
How To Think About Confidence
It’s through taking actions AFTER you decide you feel confident and the continuation of taking action, that you embody that feeling of being confident.
You build confidence by deciding you have it and then repeat actions that help you build that muscle.
I know from where I speak. Believe me when I tell you I’ve searched for the quick fix on how to be confident all my life.
There’s isn’t a magic pill you can take that makes you instantly confident. You can’t get it by hanging out with people you think exude confidence, although I would encourage you to do so anyway. You will feel a shift in your mindset just by being in their presence. You’ll be more positive.
When we try things that are new – a sport, a new job, start dating after being married for decades – anything that brings you outside your comfort zone you’re going to feel discomfort.
We humans don’t like to feel discomfort. We do whatever we can to avoid it.
Fear & Excitement of Being ‘Confident’: Example
If you are someone who speaks to groups or gives presentations at work, you may feel a buzzing sensation in your stomach area just before you do this. Like this zing of electricity.
Most people would interpret this as fear.
Afterall, fear of public speaking is one of the top fears people have.
Now, think of something that makes you excited.
It could be seeing your grandkids or taking a dream trip or meeting a famous person.
Whatever it is, think about it now and really feel that excitement. Notice how it feels incredibly similar to fear. That zing of electricity in your stomach.
Weird right?
I speak for a living both internally at companies and in front of conference attendees and I will tell you I get that zing every time I do it. I used to interpret it as fear and would spin on the fear I thought I was feeling and spend many hours in my head a couple of days before the event.
When I made the connection between feeling fear and feeling excited and how close they are to each other, I decided I wasn’t feeling fear. I was excited to get out there and connect with the audience.
That decision, that small noticing turned out to be huge for me. Now when I feel that zing, I think, “oh yeah, I’m really excited!”
I invite you to try that and see how it goes for you. Don’t expect it to magically change the first time you try it. Shifting mindset – especially long held beliefs – takes time.
You don’t build muscles after 3 sets of weightlifting. It takes dedication to consistent workouts and over time you begin to see the difference.
It’s the same with your brain and changing your thinking. It takes practice.
And it’s not just what you think, right? Let’s go back to feelings.
A feeling is a vibration in your body. It’s energy. Feelings can happen anywhere in your body. There’s no right or wrong about where you feel emotions.
Someone you know might feel stress in their shoulders and you may feel it in your neck or lower back.
The key is to notice what you’re feeling and really connect with it. Ask yourself:
- Where in my body do I feel this?
- What does it feel like? Heavy, electric, sharp jab?
- Is there a temperature or color to it?
- Is there a texture?
For example: Think of the redness and the heat that comes from your chest, up through your neck and into your face when you feel embarrassed.
Or think about how heavy it feels in your chest when you feel grief.
Then, and this is where most people make a mistake – you need to sit with it and allow it to be in your body. Most people want to avoid the discomfort, so they use alcohol or drugs or food or sex or shopping or gambling or… so many options to numb out from what we want to avoid feeling.
Proving – aka overworking – is a way to avoid feeling discomfort. Did you know that? Yep, one of the 4 Derailers™ is also a way to avoid feeling discomfort. So allowing your body to process this emotion, this feeling, this discomfort only takes about 60-90 seconds. That’s it! Isn’t that crazy?
We spend more time trying to avoid feeling something that our brains are telling us is bad, than the actual amount of time the feeling lasts.
Humans are so funny, aren’t we? The amount of brain drama that is created by all those thoughts around not wanting to feel something is such a poor use of time.
Understanding Confidence
Understanding that confidence comes first from the thoughts you have about yourself.
Those thoughts create the feelings you have in your body and you get to feel them, allow them to pass through your body and build that muscle of confidence by repeating the thoughts regularly.
When you feel confident, you show up differently.
You carry yourself differently, your shoulders are back and you stand taller. You speak with more authority and you make decisions easier and quicker.
Building Confidence: Next Steps
Start to practice noticing when you are feeling discomfort and how quickly your brain tells you to avoid it.
Notice what that feeling is and where it is in your body. Ask the questions I referenced earlier…
- Where in my body do I feel this?
- What does it feel like? Heavy, electric, sharp jab?
- Is there a temperature or color to it?
- Is there a texture?
Begin the practice of just noticing.
Because that is the very first step to making lasting change.
Then, decide you have your own back. Decide to be confident in you.
Alright my friends. Until next time, remember:
I believe in you!
Thanks so much for listening to the Create What You Crave podcast. I’m on a mission to help as many women as I can get out from under the weight of self-doubt and own who they are unapologetically.
Subscribe wherever you get your podcasts and feel free to review it, too. I want to hear from you! I invite you to learn more by visiting me at www.barbarachurchill.com and if you know you’re ready to take that next step, you can schedule a time for us to connect.
See you next week.