Episode 37: Listen To Your Own Wisdom
Have you ever experienced a time when you had to make a decision or had one of those life moments that took your breath away?
It’s what we do that can make the difference between a run of the mill situation and a life-defining moment.
This week I share another life moment that rocked me to my core – and taught me the most valuable lesson ever.
What You’ll Learn:
- How to tell the difference between your Inner Judge and your Inner Wise Self.
- Why being your own advocate always pays off.
- How to decide your reactions ahead of time.
- Why I don’t believe in coincidence.
Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:
If you can’t seem to find time to hear your inner wise self, we need to talk. Open a new tab on your laptop right now and schedule your Discovery Call with me. I guarantee it will change the direction of your life and how you lead it.
Episode 37: Listen To Your Own Wisdom (Transcript)
You are listening to episode 37 of the Create What You Crave Podcast. The one where we talk about trusting yourself fully.
Hey hey! How are you doing? Feeling good about yourself I hope. I am so touched by the response from last week’s podcast about my experience in the Mediterranean Sea.
I just want to thank you for taking the time to tell me how you could relate to it and how you felt my experience right along with me.
That means everything to me and I hope you spent the week loving yourself because you are a beautiful soul.
I was going to record a different topic for this week and then I changed my mind because a voice inside me said I needed to share another personal story, one that I mentioned in episode 36.
Listening To My Inner Voice
I have learned over the years to trust this voice because she always knows what’s best for me.
I haven’t always listened to her. Hell, I had to learn that she even existed because the negative voice in my head was the loudest and the one that I heard the most.
That voice never gives good advice. You have to get quiet, be still and listen to the voice that doesn’t shout, it speaks with love and certainty.
Trusting My Inner Wisdom: A Personal Story
When I was growing up, my body matured faster than most girls in my school. I was wearing a bra in sixth grade and it wasn’t anywhere near a “training bra”. I was teased by the boys a lot.
Being raised by a mother who had her own body image issues and would buy my shirts a size too big so I didn’t “show” that part of my body to the world, made it all the more difficult for me.
In my 20s I received a lot of unwanted attention because of the size of my breasts, most of it from men. Some of it came from other women who would either ask me if I ever considered a reduction (like that’s any of YOUR business).
Others came from a place of envy and would make jokes or comments about how they wished they had mine. Little did they know, I wished I had their smaller ones.
I hated all the attention I got because of a particular part of my body.
In addition, I began to notice a difference in them – they felt more lumpy. That’s just the way I can describe it – lumpy or bumpy inside. I asked my doctor about it and he said we should watch it and let him know if anything changed.
Over the course of the next 20 years, through four pregnancies and three deliveries, I was being monitored annually.
I would come into the office and it would always be the same:
- Have a breast exam
- He feels something he didn’t like
- Schedule an ultrasound (the waiting was nerve-wracking)
- Get good news from the radiologist
This pattern would repeat itself year after year. My doctor decided to have me checked every 6 months when I told him my mom had breast cancer.
I’ve had my boobs squished between two plates of glass. They’ve been biopsied with a needle using various machines while putting my body in interesting positions. They’ve been biopsied surgically. I’ve had more ultrasounds than I could count.
I remember sitting in the waiting room on one occasion waiting to go in for my umpteenth ultrasound, looking just lovely in the open-in-the-back gown they give you to wear and I notice a woman sitting near me looking nervous.
We made eye contact and talked a little. She was there for a check-up to make sure her cancer hadn’t come back.
We talked about our love for chocolate and how they really should have candy in the waiting room. They called her name and we both said something positive and she disappeared to one of the examination rooms.
It wasn’t long before she came back and the look on her face told me she hadn’t heard what she wanted. She kind of fell into the chair next to me. I held her hand and neither of us said anything.
Then it was my turn and I went back. Once again, I got good news and felt an incredible amount of relief. I went back into the waiting room on my way out and noticed that woman wasn’t there. I asked the front desk if she’d left and they said she was in with the doctor again.
I went down to the drugstore and bought about a ½ dozen candy bars. I put them in a bag with a note of encouragement and left them with the staff at the desk for this woman. I hoped it would put a smile on her face if only for a moment.
Driving home I felt so grateful for my health but I couldn’t get her face out of my mind. So many women like her hadn’t been so lucky.
Taking Action
So when I woke up one morning in January 2009 to a voice that said, “Take them off. It’s time”, I knew exactly what that meant.
This still voice said the same thing several times that day and each time I felt peace and calm – never shock or fear.
It made complete sense to me that I should be proactive in my own health, so I made an appointment with my doctor to let him know about my decision to have a double mastectomy.
Well, you can imagine his face when I told him of my decision. To him, it seemed drastic. To me, it seemed pretty straightforward.
We agreed that I should consult with an oncologist to get her opinion. I think I agreed to that more for his comfort level than mine. I was very solid in my decision.
I met with her, and she just happened to be one of the top oncologists in the country. Another moment of gratitude. She listened to my history, examined me and said she agreed with my decision.
The next step was to schedule the surgery and meet with the two surgeons that would be on my team. One would remove my breasts and one would do plastic surgery to reconstruct them.
I met with the first surgeon – another woman – and she agreed with my oncologist, too.
In fact, she told me she’d been thinking about doing the same thing for over 10 years. What?! What are the odds of that? Another moment of gratitude.
Next up, the plastic surgeon – yes another woman. I gotta be transparent with you right here. Before I met with her I had been daydreaming about being able to choose the size of my new boobs. I know – sounds weird, right? But I really was.
I had worn a bra almost my entire life and couldn’t wear those tank tops with skinny straps or go braless and wear a strapless dress or swimsuit. This was a bigger deal for me than taking my boobs off.
I was excited to see what life would be like with regular-size boobs.
My appointment with her was hysterical because I had to have my “before” picture taken. How fun for this 48-year-old mother of three who nursed all those babies to have a topless photo taken.
You know what I’m talking about, don’t you?
They certainly weren’t where they used to be when I was in my 20s. The photo didn’t show my face – just my chest. Another gratitude moment.
I was all set for my surgery – or so I thought.
At that time, my kids were in middle school and high school and I volunteered once a month at the high school booster store. I’d been doing that for a couple of years and worked with the same women on the same shift.
When I had everything scheduled, I showed up at the store and found out one of the women had breast cancer and was in Texas getting treatments, so we had a substitute woman helping out.
After processing the news, I announced to them my decision to remove my breasts proactively. None of them was shocked.
In fact, they jumped right in and set up a meal sign-up for after my surgery. I didn’t want that, after all, I had kids and my husband at home. I didn’t need meals. They didn’t listen.
Then, the woman who was filling in told me she had made the same decision as I did and had the same surgery a couple of years prior. What are the odds of that?
She began to tell me what I needed to do to prepare, things to think about, the joy of being able to throw on a T-shirt and run out the door without a bra. So many valuable things I never would have thought of. Another large moment of gratitude.
The day of my surgery was 13 years ago today. So serendipitous that I would talk about this on the podcast that came out the same day as my anniversary, right? I was a little nervous because this was my first ever surgery. It would take 4 ½ hours and when I woke up, I wouldn’t have my breasts.
I remember joking with the surgeon to make sure she weighed them because I was only 5lbs. away from my goal weight and I just knew this would get me there. We both had a good chuckle over that.
I woke up and felt like I had a semi-truck parked on my chest. It wasn’t painful, it was very heavy. I was tightly bandaged and medicated, so my brain was a bit groggy. Two days after being in the hospital, it was time to take a shower. I was ready because you know how you feel when you haven’t showered in a couple of days. Add to that, bandages – I felt gross.
I thought about how I wanted to react when I saw myself for the first time naked. I didn’t want to be sad. I didn’t want to be horrified.
This was something I chose to do and I wanted to be proud of myself.
So I pictured untying my robe and how I would look at myself in the mirror. I decided ahead of time what I would think and feel. The nurse asked if I’d like some help and I declined.
I needed to do this on my own.
I made my way into the bathroom, closed the door and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked deep into my own eyes as I took off my robe and gown.
There I was, stitches across the entire front of my chest, drain tubes on either side of me and bruises across my chest.
All I saw was a powerful woman who decided to take her health into her own hands – and I was so proud of her.
It was the best shower of my life.
Post Surgery
I went home and my husband had set up the recliner in our bedroom because that was where I had to sleep for the next four months rather than in our bed due to the stitches and expanders they inserted for reconstruction.
Four days after my surgery, my phone rang and when I answered I heard a woman who was out of breath. It was my surgeon.
“Barbara, I’m in between surgeries and I just got your labs back. It wasn’t going to be “if” you got cancer, but “when”. I had to call you to tell you I’m so glad you decided to have this surgery.”
I was stunned. I hung up the phone in disbelief.
What had she just said? I’d never really thought seriously about the possibility of getting cancer. I always had such good luck after being so worried after each mammogram or biopsy.
She told me I had what is now referred to as Stage 0 – lobular carcinoma in situ (LCIS).
This means that there are pre-cancerous cells in the lobules of the milk-producing glands that haven’t spread outside of the original area. They can become cancerous at a later date.
The enormity of my decision began to set in. It was the right thing for me to do. I had saved my own life. The biggest moment of gratitude yet.
Why am I sharing this with you?
On the surface, to remind you to please be your own advocate when it comes to your own health.
- Do a breast self-exam.
- Get your mammograms – no matter what your age.
- Don’t rely on some statistical data that the AMA uses to make its recommendations.
Use your own inner data – that wisdom that sometimes you can’t explain, but know you need to heed.
On a deeper level, I invite you to get to know your inner wise self
- What is she telling you that you aren’t hearing?
- Are you just too busy listening to your inner judge to hear her or are you resisting what she has to say?
This is what my clients discover in my private coaching practice.
They learn how to make decisions faster and easier with less stress because they have learned how to trust themselves in every situation – whether they know the answer right away or not. It’s invaluable to them as leaders and as women.
Not sure where to begin? No worries. You can schedule a call with me and I’ll listen to where you are now and where you’d like to go. Together we can make a plan that is in alignment with your true desires.
Alright friends. Until next time remember:
I believe in you.