Episode 42: The Four Agreements (For The Holidays)
It’s the holiday season and that means you have even more added to your list of responsibilities and to-dos. Even though all the ads portray happy and loving people decorating and sharing a meal, that isn’t the case for everyone.
In this week’s podcast, I share one of my favorite books, “The Four Agreements” and put my spin on it to use at the office.
What You’ll Learn:
- What the Agreements are.
- How to use them as a leader or rising leader.
- Things to remember when planning your office holiday party.
- How “merry and bright” isn’t always true for others.
- The best thing to focus on this season.
I invite you to pick up a copy of “The Four Agreements” if you don’t have one. And if you do, dust it off and read it again. It’s a life changer for sure.
Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:
If you want some help on all this balancing and everything else, I’ve got you covered. Schedule a complimentary Discovery Call with me today. We’ll talk about all that is weighing you down and how working together can make you feel a whole lot lighter.
Episode 42: The Four Agreements For The Holidays (Transcript)
You are listening to episode 42 of the Create What You Crave Podcast. The one where I get real about the holidays at work and at home – and share a great book that you’ll want to read again and again.
I’m getting ready for the holidays in my business and personal life and I gotta say what I really want to do is chuck it all and go away for a month. Doesn’t that sound like a fab idea? I’ve noticed my mind wander into the pool of holiday BS and I’ve caught myself more than once thinking of all the things I “should” do.
That only puts undo pressure on me and the truth is, there’s nothing that I “should” do – ever. I have choices, right? You do, too.
- So I did all my gift buying online this year and it took about an hour. Done.
- I’m decorating my home a little at a time to make it more manageable and enjoyable and I’ve decided not to put out all the decorations. If it lights me up (and it actually lights up) then it’s a yes. If not, it stays in the box.
This feels so much better to me and when I look around my house all I see are things that are pleasing to me.
I had one of my private coaching clients talk to me about a situation she had with some of her team members. There was conflict, assumptions were made, emails were exchanged, and no one showed up in a professional manner.
We’ve all had a time in our lives when we wanted to lash out at someone for what we interpreted as bad behavior or doing something wrong. Most often, we don’t like the result we get, and the situation usually takes a while to resolve.
It made me think about the holidays and how our own individual situations might not match what the Hallmark Channel movies are modeling.
One of my favorite books is by Don Miguel Ruiz and it’s “The Four Agreements”.
It’s a quick read that is deep in content and meaning and talks about four things that will enhance the quality of your life if you commit to practicing them.
I know you can imagine using each of them in your personal life, so I won’t go there. I’m going to put a spin on them and talk about each in terms of your work life. What they might look like when practiced in a work setting during the holidays.
1st Agreement: Be impeccable with your word
“Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction truth and love.”
To be impeccable with your word requires that you be honest AND kind, honest, but NOT disparaging, honest, but NOT hurtful. A tall order but sets clear boundaries for choosing a new language.
No office gossip. I know you might think that a little back and forth via your office Slack channel or texting during a meeting isn’t going to hurt anything – and it does. It lowers the standard of communication. It lowers your own standard of how you’re showing up.
It tears down and as a leader (or leader wannabe) your job is to build up.
To be impeccable with your word also means to keep your promises.
You honor your choices and commitments, and the people involved know where you stand. We cannot be everywhere at once nor can we do everything asked of us. So we must dig deep and become honest with ourselves about what is most important.
2nd Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally
“Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality… When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.”
Let’s talk about all the holidays in December alone:
- Hanukkah
- Christmas
- Kwanzaa
- Rohatsu (Buddhist)
- Solstice (Wicca)
- Boxing Day
That’s a lot to keep track of, so please give the people around you some grace if they aren’t aware of your religious or agnostic leanings.
If you are not Christian and get a Christmas card it’s probably not intended as an insult. In the rush to make sure everyone gets a card during the holidays, some people may not know who is Jewish, Muslim, Agnostic or otherwise.
Think about it, how well do you really know everyone in the office?
This might be one of your biggest challenges if one of your Derailers™ is Pleaser.
So, if a mistake is made, you may blame yourself and set out to fix it. I am here to tell you that we cannot solve all the world’s problems in one day. And many things are not ours to solve. This includes the many moods of the people surrounding you.
Although this season is supposed to be “The Most Wonderful Time of The Year,” many people are dealing with the loss of loved ones and they find their sadness harder to tolerate. And, you may be on the receiving end of someone’s bad mood or unkind words. Don’t take it personally.
By not taking it personally, you are free to hold on to your own happiness and to share your support and joyful spirit with others, which might just lighten their load a little.
3rd Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions
“Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama.”
We make up all kinds of stories in our heads about people and 99% of the time, they aren’t even close to what’s true. We do it in our relationships both personal and professional.
If people choose not to participate in the annual holiday celebration do not make assumptions that they are withdrawing from either office culture or the holiday season.
Some people may want to come; however, there may be monetary, psychological, or logistical reasons for not attending.
Give people the benefit of the doubt. Most often, we’re all trying to do our best.
Below are some reasons people may not be able to attend events over the holidays…
Monetary reasons:
The holidays are full of additional costs: meals, presents, and trips to see families. In addition, sometimes people may not be able to afford the party because they are in relatively low-paid positions or because they were part of a two-income family that became a one-income family.
To increase participation people may need to look at ways of keeping costs optional.
For example, you could have the staff select the venue and the menu and not do the gift exchange (White Elephant). No one needs another thing on their long list of to-dos.
Psychological reasons:
Winter may also bring Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) to different parts of the country. It’s a real thing. I have a light that I use because I live in Minnesota and it gets very gray in the winter.
Be mindful that the holidays can be difficult for those with depression or other mental health issues.
The holidays are a time for families, and people may not want to upset others by attending a party when they do not feel up to it because of memories linked to the season.
If your human resources department has an employee assistance program make sure your employees are aware of when they need it.
Logistical reasons:
These can range from looking after relatives (children or elderly parents) to final exams for those employees attending college to working remotely.
Health reasons:
Even though food allergies are nothing new and have been at the forefront of the news in recent years, there are too many group functions where that is not taken into consideration.
- Ask your attendees if there are any food allergies – nuts, gluten, soy, dairy, animal protein – just to name a few.
- Will you serve alcohol? If so, make sure you include 3-4 mocktail options outside of the usual soda, coffee, or water offerings.
Have a variety of options so those people can enjoy the full experience and not feel like an afterthought.
I’m not saying you have to have an option for EVERYTHING. I’m saying being attentive to your group’s needs and showing that you put some thought and effort into it will go a long way toward creating a festive and meaningful gathering.
4th Agreement: Always Do Your Best
“Under any circumstances, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.”
Let’s not confuse this with any of the 4 Derailers™. Doing your best doesn’t mean doing it perfectly or proving that you are the best or making others happy.
Doing your best will look different on any given day. It’s not linear, although you expect it to be for yourself and for your team.
Understanding all the things that the holiday season brings can inform how you choose to lead and show up.
Instead of pushing to “drive results” at the 11th hour to make a number goal that isn’t reasonable or doable, use this time to look to the next year and plan for that.
Remember people are overworked and overwhelmed this time of year. They need a mental break from the strive and drive culture.
Ask yourself:
- Is this my best?
- Is this how I want to show up?
Final Thoughts
The holidays can be a stressful time and balancing individual needs is often challenging.
So, I offer you this: Focus on you and how you think, feel and behave. That’s the only thing you really have control over, right? You’re not in charge of making sure everyone else has the holiday of their dreams. They’re adults. They get to do that for themselves.
Adjust your expectations. Or better yet, don’t have any.
I find that when I don’t, my experience is much richer, and I have a whole lot more fun.
I invite you to pick up a copy of “The Four Agreements” if you don’t have one, and if you do, dust it off and read it again. It’s a life changer for sure.
If you want some help on all this balancing and everything else, I’ve got you covered. Schedule a complimentary Discovery Call with me today.
We’ll talk about all that is weighing you down and how working together can make you feel a whole lot lighter.
Until next time, remember:
I believe in you.