Episode 64: The Root Cause of Perfectionism
We were raised to think doing things perfectly was the best way to be and this messaging started at a very early age. Color inside the lines. Get good grades. Never make a mistake. Is this the root cause of perfectionism?
We’ve all experienced it, so why is it some people don’t internalize that messaging and create a lot of stress and some don’t?
This week’s episode shines a light on the root cause of perfectionism.
What You’ll Learn:
- Where perfectionism really comes from.
- The connections between age and confidence for women.
- Perfection vs excellence.
- Three questions to ask yourself that will reduce your stress.
Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:
Letting go of being perfect is your path to freedom and you need a partner to walk alongside you. Schedule your Discovery Call with me today so we can map out how you can do this without judgment and stress while being supported by an expert – who has done it, too.
Episode 64: The Root Cause of Perfectionism (Transcript)
You are listening to episode 64 of the Create What You Crave Podcast. The one where I shine a light on the root cause of perfectionism and how you can get out from under the weight of it.
You need to hear this because it’s not what you might think.
- Are you moving right along or are you feeling stuck?
- Do you dread going to work because your plate is overflowing and there never seems to be an end to it?
- Are you exhausted by all you do for others and your perfectionism?
I want to hear from you so please email me at hello@barbarachurchill.com and let me know what’s happening. I love answering your questions and sharing resources that support you.
Last week I shared that I’ve achieved a new certification from the Imposter Syndrome Institute which enables me to teach and share the vast amount of information and research done by its co-founder Dr. Valerie Young.
Do you know what happened to me during my certification?
I had imposter syndrome moments. How ironic right?
My Perfectionism came roaring in
When I started thinking about how many leaders and entrepreneurs I can help by speaking at their organizations or associations my perfectionism showed up.
My brain started dishing up all sorts of scenarios that only allowed for the perfect delivery of this information. I actually began to feel anxious just sitting in class.
That’s one of the things imposter syndrome thinking does.
It affects your nervous system and causes unnecessary stress and anxiety. And this pattern of perfectionistic thinking paired with the stress it causes can wreak havoc on your physical and mental health.
This isn’t anything to gloss over my friends. It’s real.
So, What Is The Cause of Perfectionism?
Let’s talk about the root cause of perfectionism – where it comes from because you’re not born with it.
Some people say they are perfectionists like it’s just part of their DNA. That isn’t the case.
It comes from the early messages and expectations we get as kids from our parents, teachers and society as a whole.
When I was in school, I knew getting good grades was important. How did I know that?
First, my parents instilled that belief in my head.
- Do your best. Work hard. Always get As because that shows you’re the best. Wow – no pressure, right?
Then of course when I started school that message continued. Even in kindergarten when I was coloring a picture I was told not to be “messy” and to stay inside the lines because that was prettier. That was better. That was how my creativity would be “acceptable”.
We do this to our kids – I know I’ve done it to mine. We teach them what is acceptable in our minds or society’s view so they can conform to those standards and hopefully get recognition and good grades.
I sometimes wonder how different I would be if I had grown up with different messages.
As I grew older, when I came home with anything other than an A, what do you think happened? I was asked why I got a B+ in English. Never mind that the rest of my report card was all A’s, it was that stinkin’ B+ that got all the attention.
So what did I learn very early on? Be perfect to be accepted and belong and be praised.
Can you relate to this?
Perfectionism – It’s All Around You
Perfectionism is not just our culture. Perfectionism is global and affects people all over the world.
Now maybe that wasn’t your experience. Perhaps you brought home all A’s and never got praised for it because that was just an expectation in your family.
They didn’t want to bring a lot of attention to it because they considered it bragging and that was never acceptable.
So, you learned to downplay your accomplishments and not be proud of them – at least not out loud.
Or maybe you were praised for every little thing you did and told that it was amazing! You’re amazing! Anything you touch is amazing!
So now you have a hard time seeing your performance through a clear lens or you might depend on constant validation from others that you’re doing a good job.
The Confidence Gap
Then there’s the confidence gap – where women feel less confident than men for the first couple of decades of their work life.
According to a survey of over 10,000 people – half outside the US – women’s confidence is lower in the mid-20 and mid-30s. It evens out in the mid-40s, mid- 50s.
By 60 women are MORE confident than men. They’re like,”Screw it, I don’t care anymore!” I know I’m right there with those women.
How To Avoid Being a Perfectionist
Perfection isn’t just about high standards. In fact, it’s not about that at all.
Perfectionism is about trying to avoid criticism or judgment because you didn’t hit the mark. The bar you set for yourself is just too high.
So what do we do about this?
Become An Observer Of Your Thoughts
Pause and notice what your brain is dishing up.
If it’s imposter thinking, that needs your attention.
But before you jump in to try to fix it – which isn’t a useful thought at all. You don’t need fixing – you’re not broken.
Normalize The Experience
Once you’ve observed that you are succumbing to those kinds of habitual and detrimental thoughts, I want you to normalize the experience. No judgment. No stressing out.
No weaponizing it against yourself. You’re a human with a human brain having a very human experience. Your brain is trying to keep you safe from judgment and shame.
You get to reframe this into something that will be useful to you.
swap out the term perfection For excellence
There’s such a difference in that and it feels better, right? Lighter, doable. You strive to be the best you can be and do the best you can do.
Who can ask for more than that, right?
Next Steps: 3 Questions To Ask Yourself
This week I want you to put this into practice, OK?
Begin noticing when your perfectionist imposter syndrome thinking kicks into gear and take a step back to evaluate and decide how you want to proceed.
- How do you want to feel?
- How do you want to show up?
- What results are you looking for? That will help you choose the thoughts that will get you there.
As a bonus, your enthusiasm will return and so will your energy.
Alright my friends, that’s a wrap. Until we meet again, remember:
I believe in you.