Episode 65: How and When To Say No
For centuries, women have been socialized and trained that saying “no” is a selfish thing to do and that we should be pleasing those around us. That kind of messaging only leads to resentment and burnout.
This week I share some ideas on how you can say no, maybe and yes to only those things you truly want – with ease.
What You’ll Learn:
- Why “no” is a complete sentence.
- How setting limits frees up your time.
- Several ways to say no that won’t make you cringe.
- A bonus I encourage you try.
Are you pleasing your way to burnout? There is better way to keeping the peace.
Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:
Schedule your Discovery Call with me today and together we’ll talk about the most important kind of peace to create – yours.
Episode 65: How and When To Say No (Transcript)
Hello and welcome to Worthiness Wednesday! No, it’s not a national holiday, although I think it should be.
I decided that since my podcast airs a new episode on Wednesdays that the middle of the week should be called Worthiness Wednesday.
Just think of this podcast as your weekly reminder that you are worthy just because you breathe.
From the moment you took your first breath, you were worthy. You don’t have to do anything else to earn that or prove that. Isn’t that wonderful news?
I hope that makes you feel amazing. Remember that when your imposter syndrome thinking kicks in. When your 4 Derailers™ try to tell you otherwise.
Over the last week or so I’ve been faced with so many situations where I needed to say no and some of them were easier than others to do that.
Let’s Talk About Saying NO
That’s why I thought it would be a good idea to talk about saying no and how to get good at it.
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “no is a complete sentence.”
I know I’ve reminded my clients many times in my coaching practice, in my writing and here on my podcast. And while it makes complete sense and you may agree with it, how often do you stick to that when you have to decline something?
We humans, especially female humans, feel compelled to explain why we’re saying no. Like it’s not enough to just express our decision. We have to justify it. That’s what we’ve been socialized to believe.
For some of us, the hardest word to say is the short, simple word no. Instead of saying no, we labor on.
What will he think if I say no?
Rebecca won’t be my friend if I don’t do this.
The project won’t get done unless I do it.
I’m not a team player when I say no. A good mother needs to sacrifice herself.
Saying no is selfish.
And the list goes on.
We abuse ourselves, take on more than we want, and find ourselves bitter and resentful. And we’ve done it to ourselves. That Pleaser Derailer™ has taken over to avoid any conflict. But what about our own internal conflict?
Instead of avoiding that discomfort – which only creates more discomfort, right?
Know your limits. Know when to say no.
There may be a few people who are irritated or even offended by the limits that you set, but usually, those are the ones trying to control or manipulate you.
Some well-meaning colleagues may tell you that you’re being selfish, but your ultimate responsibility is to yourself.
That responsibility includes knowing how and when to set limits.
Look at your schedule
Are you so overloaded or booked that you can’t see when you could have any time for fun, relaxing, or your own personal growth? It may be time for you to start setting limits.
The Best Ways To Say No
I have several ways to say no that I’m going to share with you and I encourage you to use what fits for you.
Then I want you to read them out loud. I want you to actually say the words out loud. Ready?
“No.”
“No, this doesn’t work for me.”
“No thank you. That doesn’t feel right to me.”
“No. This isn’t right for me at this time.”
Okay, let your body settle down because I know you’re beginning to feel stressed at the mere thought of doing this. Deep breath. Let’s expand on this.
“I have to think about that first before I can decide. I’ll get back to you later.”
“I’ve thought about it and the answer is no.”
Keep breathing.
“I know I said yes and that this was what I wanted. But I’ve changed my mind. This isn’t working out for me. It’s not right for me anymore. I’m sorry for any inconvenience I might have caused you.”
Whew – how’s that Pleaser Derailer™? Is she freaking out? If you’re saying these things out loud, brava! Your brain told you that wasn’t possible.
So let’s keep going and move into some maybe and yes responses.
“Maybe.”
“Maybe, but I’m leaning toward no.”
“Maybe. It sounds interesting, but I’m not sure.”
“Yes. That would be nice.”
“Yes, I like that idea. When?”
“Yes, I’d love to.”
“Yes, but the time isn’t right for me now.”
OK, we’re done. These ways to say no are your basic choices, with a few variations.
Next, Practice Saying No
I invite you to continue to practice saying them out loud, so you get used to saying those words, rather than just thinking them.
Learn them. Memorize them. Then ask yourself when each answer applies – when you’ll use them.
You get to honestly tell people what your real answer is.
That’s authentic leadership. That’s being authentically you – unapologetically.
Look inside yourself. Ask your inner wise leader what she thinks and decide when a thing is or isn’t right for you.
Remember, you get to decide what’s best for you. Learn how to say no and stand by your choice.
Say No Permission Slip:
Give yourself permission by writing yourself a permission slip, then carry it around in your purse or pocket.
It might sound something like this:
Kelly has permission to say no whenever she wants.
Or it might say:
I have permission to say no ten times this week, and yes five times.
>> Then sign the slip, and let it be a reminder to you to own your power by saying no, yes or maybe whenever each of those answers is right for you.
I’m off to write my own permission slips. And until next time, remember:
I believe in you.