Episode 30: How To Stop People Pleasing
We’ve all heard about pleasing people but did you know there is more to it than wanting them to like you?
We all have habitual behaviors – some are useful and others, like people-pleasing are not. It drains our energy and can cause resentment – which is the exact opposite of what we are trying to achieve.
But you don’t have to stay stuck in old patterns. You can transform your career and life by doing a few simple things.
What you’ll learn:
- Reasons why you people-please
- The deeper meaning behind it
- The foolproof tools I use with my clients
- What you have in common with butterflies
Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:
Ready for true transformation? What are you waiting for? Schedule your Discovery Call with me today and let’s talk about how you can make the shift out of people-pleasing and into pleasing yourself.
Episode 30: How To Stop People Pleasing (Transcript)
Hello! Good to be with you again. How was your week? In last week’s episode we talked about how to create what you want when you don’t think you have enough time. I hope you took some time to think about what you want and put a plan together.
And if you did, was it hard to figure out what you wanted? To state it out loud?
That leads to our topic today on one of the Derailers™ I talk about. People Pleasing.
We’ve all heard of people-pleasing. That need to be liked by others. That need to not rock the boat, so you agree to make people happy. But there’s a deeper level to it.
I was talking with a new client recently about what she really wanted and she was having a difficult time coming up with anything.
Her go to thoughts were about letting others have things they want and how that was ultimately easier for her.
But is it really?
When you dismiss what you want in the name of making other people happy or it’s just easier to let them have what they want because you fear they won’t like your choice, you open yourself up to feel resentment.
People Pleasing Example:
Your friend wants to go out to dinner and is craving Italian. You are gluten-free so it’s hard for you to find things to eat at an Italian restaurant. Not wanting to assert your position in the name of “making waves”, you agree with her choice.
Dinner comes and goes and you didn’t find much to eat, so you had to create your dinner piecemeal. You are simmering the entire time.
On your way home, you replay the evening in your head and the more you think about it, the more upset you get. You begin to resent your friend for “always getting her way”.
You are angry you didn’t get a “decent meal” and go off on a tangent about how you can never find anything to eat when you go out because of your gluten sensitivity.
Why don’t more restaurants offer gf menu items – and off your brain goes. Pretty soon you are feeling righteous indignation at the entire situation and blame your friend for making a bad choice in places to eat.
You see her differently. You tell yourself you would have made a much better choice in where to eat and you would have gotten the meal you wanted.
Wow – all that was in your head. It was a one-woman show worthy of Broadway that really packed a punch.
It did nothing FOR you.
And you feel awful.
Who has the ultimate responsibility for this situation? You do.
The Problem With People Pleasing
By not saying what you want, you abdicate your rights to a choice. You abdicate responsibility for sharing what you want and you don’t hold yourself accountable for anything.
You abdicate any responsibility you have as an adult.
And this plays out over and over again. It becomes a habit. One that holds you back and keeps you from getting what you really want.
This scenario plays out so often in various situations in every human out there.
And it’s completely avoidable.
Your brain is going to want to avoid discomfort and it tells you that sharing what you want will be uncomfortable, so it’s easier for you to not share and just go along with what others want.
All in the name of avoiding discomfort.
Here’s the truth:
You’re ALREADY feeling discomfort. You’re ruminating on this and spend more time on avoiding than you would if you just shared what you want.
So you do things that your brain tells you will help you avoid feeling “bad”.
Things like drinking, taking drugs, shopping, overeating, gambling – etc.
These addictive behaviors are all geared to numb you so you don’t feel.
People-pleasing is another behavior that helps you push aside that uncomfortable feeling just for the time being. And guess what, it will come back because you didn’t address the real issue of what you want.
Another reason you people please is to avoid making a decision that you fear might not work out. You don’t want to experience the consequences of a failed decision, so you get everyone’s opinion and let them decide what to do or choose their suggestion.
You may not even agree with it, but you choose it to avoid the negative feelings if yours didn’t work out.
How To Stop People Pleasing And Transform The Way You Live
So what to do about this?
1. Notice When You Are People Pleasing
First you need to notice when you do it.
What are the situations when you notice your go-to behavior of people-pleasing?
When you notice the situations, track them and do your best to look at them without judgment.
That’s right. No judgment. Judgment-free zone.
2. Use The Phrase, This is the Part Where…
I use this phrase with my clients and on myself a lot.
Oh, right. This is the part where…
You just fill in the habitual behavior that you typically do in a particular situation.
Like…
This is the part where… I get pissed that I can’t find anything to eat on the menu of a restaurant I didn’t choose but agreed to go to.
You see? Now you’re looking at it almost like a movie that you’ve seen many times.
I love that movie – “When Harry Met Sally” and have watched it too many times to count.
This is the part where… Harry decides he really loves Sally and he runs to meet her at the New Year’s Eve party to tell her that.
But notice that I already know what’s going to happen. I’ve seen this movie over and over again. I could recite it for you verbatim.
It’s the same for you in your own life and with your own behavior.
You know what you do. You watch yourself do it over and over and over. Time after time.
But now, you have the tools of noticing, seeing where the repetitive behavior kicks in and what it looks like.
This is so powerful!
You can’t expect yourself to make any changes until you first notice what behaviors and thoughts you have that need shifting.
3. Take Responsibility For Your Wants and Needs
Transformation isn’t comfortable.
Just ask a caterpillar.
Think about that.
First you have this long ugly caterpillar that slithers along the ground, eating only green leaves and is a favorite meal of some birds.
Once they get to a certain stage, they stop eating and weave their own cocoon of silk around their plump bodies. Now this isn’t a spacious pod to be in. They don’t give themselves extra room to grow. No. They spin the tightest pod they can knowing that they have only that space to make the most dramatic transformation known in Nature.
Have you ever watched a time lapsed video of this? It’s incredible to watch the struggle that goes on inside this small pod. And the result is even more incredible.
That caterpillar knew what it wanted and it set out to get it. It wasn’t easy and there was much discomfort.
The result is a stunning display of beauty.
The leaf-eating caterpillar turns into a beautiful butterfly that only eats pollen. It actually is responsible for creating more beauty in the world.
That’s what happens when you allow yourself to feel the discomfort and move through it.
The discomfort isn’t a problem. It’s what you make the discomfort mean that creates more discomfort for you.
Let’s Recap
Let’s practice these things:
- Notice your habitual people-pleasing behaviors without judgment
- Use the phrase, “Oh yeah, this is the part where I…”
- Take responsibility for your wants and needs
- Say what you really want
This is what I help my clients do. Slow down enough to see themselves clearly so they can make the shifts necessary to get them to where they want to go.
I can do this with you, too. Get on my calendar so we can chat about you becoming the beautiful butterfly you are meant to be.
Until next time remember,
I believe in you.