Episode 31: Understanding Shame Without Judgment
So many successful women feel that shame of not measuring up to where society says they should be. Or even more damaging, the self-imposed set of standards that no human could ever live up to. Shame is a toxic feeling that erodes self-esteem.
This episode presents interesting information, challenges what you currently think about guilt and shame and how you think of yourself.
What You’ll Learn:
- The difference between guilt and shame.
- A tool that can help you identify shame (The Shame Triangle)
- How to stop the shame spiral.
Stop the shame cycle and take your power back. Schedule a Discovery Call with me today and we’ll talk about how to create a new operating system that serves you.
Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:
Episode 31: Understanding Shame Without Judgment (Transcript)
I want to share with you a message I received from a listener that brought tears to my eyes.
“I want to thank you for this podcast and the topics you share. I’ve struggled with self-doubt my entire life and have felt deep shame about it. I’m in my late forties and most people would consider me successful. I’m a Sr Vice President of a large financial tech firm, have a nice house, a beautiful family, great friends. All that stuff. But I’ve never felt it inside. I’ve always felt I come up short when it comes to my skills and talents.
Listening to your podcast I’ve learned what my Derailers™ are and that they are just habitual behaviors rather than character defects. I am slowly releasing the shame around my Prover and Procrastination behaviors, and I feel so much lighter. I never thought it was possible to be free of the shackles of shame until I started listening to you and using the tools you share. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.”
SP
Oh SP – you are so very welcome. This is why I do what I do. If one woman can release shame from her life – how powerful is that! My heart is full.
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I wanted to share that particular message with you because I think it speaks to how so many successful women feel.
That shame of not measuring up to where society says they should be. Or even more damaging, the self-imposed set of standards that no human could ever life up to. And she mentioned she felt shame, which is a toxic feeling that erodes self-esteem.
I want to talk about guilt and shame today and do it in a way that isn’t heavy or a downer.
I’m presenting information that I hope you will find interesting and challenge what you currently think about each of them and how you think of yourself.
Most of us are familiar with guilt; mostly as a driver for something we ‘ought’ to do and sometimes when we do something we know we shouldn’t.
When either of these experiences takes hold the result is a cocktail of resentment, blame and power struggles.
Introducing The Shame Triangle
I’m going to introduce a concept called The Shame Triangle that has been extremely helpful to me in understanding some of my thinking and behavior patterns that I learned in my family of origin.
It’s truly fascinating and explains so much about humans. It is a similar concept to The Drama Triangle, which I will tackle in a future podcast.
The Shame Triangle is a framework of:
- Understanding ourselves
- Why certain behaviors exist
- Why we tend to go towards those certain behaviors more often than others
The Shame Triangle: Exercise
- Take a sheet of paper and draw an inverted triangle, where the tip is at the bottom.
- Under that tip write the word Shame.
- Next to the upper right point of the triangle write Critic
- At the left point write Rebel
In this triangle, it’s important to first start with the part of ourselves that is easily identifiable.
We have the Shame, the Rebel and the Critic.
A lot of times we identify first with the Critic or the Rebel because these are the behaviors that we are seeing most in ourselves and that we are most concerned about.
For example, the Rebel behaviors might be damaging to ourselves. We’re saying, oh geez, I am drinking too much or eating too much or online shopping too much or lashing out too much or binging too much Netflix.
The Critic’s messages sound like: I’m really overthinking things. I’m a people pleaser. I’m a perfectionist. I’m really controlling and can’t let go. I’m a horrible procrastinator. I can’t seem to get anything done on time. I need to know everything.
However, the reality is that Shame is where we need to start.
Shame
Down at the bottom of the triangle is where we start to identify experiences, lessons, comments from other people, trauma that has really shaped our belief system.
In the Shame area would be things like:
- I’m unlovable. I’m not worthy. I’m only worthy if I do for others. I only get love if I perform. I must please people in order to get love.
- Even going further. I’m a loser. I am boring. I have no ambition. I am lazy.
These ways that we describe ourselves feel really shameful and embarrassing.
And we shove it down – literally like the bottom point of the triangle – shoving down to our deeper core of I want to avoid it, I don’t want to see it. It makes me uncomfortable.
Critic
The Critic is really good at keeping that stuff buried because the critic then manages our external representation of ourselves.
- If Shame has the story that we are a failure, the Critic is going to make sure that we are very ambitious, high achieving, super competitive, a perfectionist.
- If the Shame has a story of “I am unlovable”, the Critic might be a people pleaser and have no boundaries and always say yes to everything to try and get love and validation from other people.
Most often we believe the Critic’s voice is just who we are. We say things like, “Well I’m just type A” or “I’m just conflict averse, I’m just a peace keeper.”
We fail to recognize that these behaviors are based off of a belief system that’s built around shame and trauma. And the thing is, that Critic, the one that’s controlling and perfecting and pleasing – making sure that we’re always appearing as if we have our shit together…
That’s exhausting.
Showing up that way is driven by fear and that is unsustainable.
Rebel
So, eventually we crack because the pressure of maintaining this is too much and that’s where the Rebel comes in.
The Rebel says things like, “I can’t sustain this anymore. This is too much.”
Whether it’s conscious or not, the Rebel eventually gets triggered. Then the Rebel lashes out and you’ll notice yourself using unhealthy coping mechanisms like the binging behaviors I mentioned earlier.
The Rebel is helpful at alleviating some of the pressure. Because the Critic is in charge of you and that is unsustainable.
The pattern is: Shame, Critic, Rebel, Shame, Critic, Rebel and so on.
How To Stop The Shame Spiral
The key is to notice these unhealthy patterns before they become destructive and lead back to Shame.
It’s this tug of war that seems to be constantly occurring.
- Build awareness of these 3 parts to really look objectively at our behaviors.
- Understand the Pattern of Shame: Then ask ourselves if we think this pattern is working for me or against me. If it’s against – it’s based in fear.
When we do this we have clarity, and we’re acting in ways that are connected to who we really want to be.
We’re operating from our value systems. We’re confident, courageous, compassionate, connected. We’re creative, we’re in the flow.
We’re no longer using Shame as our operating system.
We get to choose…
- How we think.
- How we feel.
- How we behave.
If this is something you’d like to explore further, I’d love to hop on a call with you to see how it’s affecting your life. There is a better way. I can help you create new patterns that serve you. Schedule a call with me today, OK?
Until next time, remember:
I believe in you!