Episode 22: Freedom from The 4 Derailers™ - Babs Churchill Coaching & Consulting

When you think of freedom, what comes to mind?

Being unencumbered? Working for yourself? Living without constraints?

These are all exterior things and while accurate, that’s not the freedom I’m referring to.

I’m talking about inner freedom.

The feeling that is free from the heaviness that comes from judging yourself harshly.

It’s a lightness that spreads through your body – your shoulders melt down your back, your jaw unclenches, you sit taller and breathe deeper.

Do you know that feeling? If not, then read on.

In this week’s episode, I’m sharing what your life could look like if you were free from the prison of The 4 Derailers™ –

Perfection
Proving
Procrastination
People-Pleasing

How different would you feel if you didn’t listen to that inner critical voice that judges you constantly and tells you that you don’t measure up?

(Disclaimer: You’ll never be rid of this judgy voice, but you can learn how to manage it – reduce it to white noise rather than the main event in your head.)

Just think of what you could do and how different you would feel!

What You’ll Learn:

The difference between perfection and excellence.
The danger perfection creates.
What your body has to tell you.
How to free yourself from the stress of The 4 Derailers™.

Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:

Apple | Spotify | Audible

Episode 22: Freedom From The 4 Derailers™ (Transcript)

The weeks are just flying by this summer, have you noticed that?

And doesn’t summer just feel free to you? We get to wear lighter clothes and walk around in our bare feet. I’m always barefoot in my house and I get to see my pedicure more in the summer. I have happy toes!

We are free to stay up later because it stays light outside longer. I catch myself looking at the clock in amazement in the evenings – like it’s 8:30 and we’re just eating dinner? How did that happen?!

We’re a little freer from the constraints we put on ourselves in the summer. I love that.

This ties into our theme this month around independence and freedom. This week is part 3 of a 4-part series and if you missed Part 1 and Part 2, be sure to go back and listen to them.

Before we dive in…

I want to give you a heads up on something I’m working on right now. I’m creating an opportunity to work with me in an intimate group that will meet weekly starting this fall – probably October. It’s for high-achieving women, focused on their growth and their impact who want to lift other women up as they go.

I’m SO excited to offer this because it will give you an opportunity to work with me and meet other women exactly like you in a setting that is confidential, safe, and power-packed. If you want to get on the list to hear more about it, please send me an email at info@barbarachurchill.com – it’s going to be epic!

Understanding The 4 Derailers™

Today, I want to talk about the freedom that comes from really understanding the 4 Derailers™ – Perfection, Proving, Procrastination, and People-Pleasing AND learning how to manage the messages from each.

First, What Are Derailers?

If you’re new to my podcast and are wondering what the heck are derailers, let me explain.

We all have a human brain and it’s programmed for safety and to be on high alert for danger.

Its evolution over the years has created what I call the 4 Derailers™. And whether you have one, all or a combo platter of them – when you believe their messages, you are derailed from achieving your dreams.

1. Perfection

So many of my clients tell me they are perfectionists and some of them wear it like a badge of honor.

They think striving for perfection brings the best out in people and creates amazing results. But does it really?

I would say a big fat no and here is why.

Perfection is all about fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of looking bad or less than or not expert enough. And when you show up in the world from that place, you’re already stressed out.

It’s not about excellence, which people confuse with perfection. So what does Google have to say about excellence?

“The quality of being outstanding or extremely good.”

Notice perfection is nowhere to be found.

Our society pushes this idea of perfection every day. Notice the commercials on TV:

Perfect complexions.

Perfect, shiny hair.

Perfect wine parings and table settings.

Perfect score in the Olympics.

OK, this last one I need to rant on just for a moment. In the last summer Olympics, Simone Biles competed in gymnastics. I watched it because I’m a big fan of that sport and marvel at how they can get their bodies to do all those flips and twists and land on their feet.

There was SO much external pressure on her to be perfect to get that 10 and I can only imagine how much internal pressure she put on herself. It got to be just too much for her and she made the courageous decision to withdraw from a few events because she didn’t have the right mindset. Not being in the right head space can literally be dangerous if you’re a gymnast.

As I listened to the announcers talk about her and the scores she would need to win it all, I was so irritated. So if an athlete gets a 9.75 that’s not good enough? Or how about just making the team?

Do we always have to come in first? Isn’t silver and bronze OK too?

We have set the bar so high it’s impossible to reach it or we kill ourselves trying.

I was so proud of her for doing what she knew was best for her and not succumbing to the pressures that surrounded her. What a true professional.

–

Understanding perfection and where it comes from makes it easier to decide if you want to believe the messages your brain supplies.

You get to decide whether you want to continue to strive for something that doesn’t even exist in humans or strive to do your best. And isn’t that really all you can ever ask of yourself – to do your best? Perfection vs Excellence.

It’s so freeing to know which one to choose, right?

2. Proving

This derailer is all about overworking to prove your value. Or maybe you’ve got a lot of degrees or letters behind your name, so you’re proving that you’re an expert or at the very least very knowledgeable.

Proving leads to burnout – trust me on this, I’ve done it twice. Yep – total overachiever, even in that.

Proving is like the concept of the good student.

Study hard, do well on the test, and get a good grade. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Again, it’s about thinking that you don’t know enough, so you have to prove you do by getting stellar grades.

Or, you overwork to prove that you have value in the workplace.

You spend long hours working – either in the office or remotely – and work into the evening. Rarely to do you take a vacation or a long weekend without bringing work with you.

You feel your job depends on proving that you are good at what you do so you get to keep your job or be noticed for a promotion. You believe those who make those decisions will notice you.

PS – they don’t. You have to blow your own horn. Notice I didn’t say toot – you gotta be loud and proud!

To get out of Prover energy… remember how much you already know.

Make a list of your accomplishments in the last year and allow yourself to be amazed.

Don’t be stingy on this list, either. Nothing is too small to get noticed.

You don’t need another course or certification or degree. You really don’t.

What you need is to focus on all that you already know and utilize that in the work you do. Integrate that learning rather than storing it in your brain – or in a binder that you never look at.

3. Procrastination

Next up: Procrastination. Oh how well I know this one.

I’m being totally candid with you. I’ve struggled with this my entire life and I used to beat myself up for it.

If you’re a procrastinator, please please please, be kind to yourself.

This isn’t a statement of how professional you are
It’s not about if you’re good at what you are avoiding doing
It certainly doesn’t have anything to do with your value or intelligence or capabilities

Procrastination is about avoiding the discomfort your brain says you’ll feel when you do a certain task.

So you put it off and fill your time with something less important and easier to do, or so your brain tells you.

Procrastination and Perfection are BFFs

They go hand in hand.

Think about it. You procrastinate because there’s something you have to do or create that you want to be perfect and you’re not sure you can do it perfectly. You don’t want to feel the discomfort of disappointment or even shame, so you derail yourself and go do something else.

OR- you have to have a difficult conversation and you cringe at the thought of it. It’s just so uncomfortable – or so your brain tells you.

Now, some of you will tell me that you work well under pressure. That’s not the same as procrastination. Deadlines are great if they work for you and you know how to manage the project, making sure to calendar tasks well in advance so you can meet the deadline.

Procrastination is pulling an all-nighter in college, cramming for that test or working tons of hours 3 days before a big project is due.

And this doesn’t just affect you. If you lead a team or work on a team, it seeps into their world, too. Everyone has their hair on fire because the deadline is looming.

Not a fun way to spend your time. Not a great way to inspire creativity.

Here’s the thing about procrastination…

You’re trying to avoid the discomfort that comes with doing a certain thing. BUT – you already are feeling discomfort because you’re procrastinating. The discomfort is already there.

Notice when you’re putting things off. Ask yourself why.

Be honest. Make a deal with yourself. Do a portion of the task and then reward yourself with something. A walk outside for 10 minutes or a really good piece of dark chocolate (that’s my fave). You want to break the habit, so it will take some time. Start small.

Understanding where procrastination comes from and the why behind it is SO freeing. You’ll feel lighter when you don’t carry the weight of that thing around your neck. It’s not a defect of character. It’s just your brain trying to protect you from feeling discomfort.

Choose feeling self-pride over avoidance and watch your confidence muscle grow.

4. People-Pleasing

And lastly, we have people-pleasing.

Since the dawn of time, women have been raised to believe that it’s their job to take care of everyone and make people happy. Like it’s our job to do so and if someone isn’t happy, then it’s our fault. What a load of BS, right?

We don’t have any control over whether someone is happy or not.

We don’t have control over whether someone is sad or not.

They don’t have control over our feelings either.

People are in charge of their own thoughts and feelings, yet we’ve been brought up to believe the opposite.

What do you make it mean when you feel compelled to please others?

Will they like you?
Will you avoid conflict if you give in?
Are you abdicating your own ideas or opinions in order to keep the peace or because you don’t want to disappoint them?

I have a client I’m working with that focuses on what other people think and tries to predict it so she knows what she should do. It’s exhausting!

There’s a lot of ping pong thinking in her head and a ton of wasted time ruminating. This has become a habit and I’m sure it was useful to her at some point in her early childhood years. Of course, now, it no longer serves her.

I encourage her to ask herself, “Is my brain being reliable right now?”

When she’s in that state of “needing” others to like, agree or buy from her, she pauses and checks in with herself.

Isn’t that the best question?

I use that when my body goes into a trauma response from being triggered and I feel instant fear. I ask myself, “Is my body being reliable right now?” And of course, the answer is no. I’m in my office reading email. I’m safe. There’s no threat.

So, focusing on how others might think or what they might do and creating several scenarios isn’t empowering at all and totally negates any creativity or authenticity you may have to share.

It also may put you into a state of fight, flight or freeze.

Instead of trying to predict, have the conversation.

Ask them what they want or need.
Then share your ideas and thoughts. Say, “That sounds like a possiblity. AND I was thinking this…”

Then sell the heck out of it if you’re passionate about it. Start the conversation. Show what you have to offer. It’s not a conflict. It’s another idea, perception or strategy. It adds value to the conversation and never takes away from it.

Begin inserting your ideas, thoughts and feelings into situations where you normally wouldn’t. Let go of people-pleasing.

Start to look for approval and acceptance from yourself.

Ask Yourself This…

How much time are you spending worrying about what other people think about you or trying to control what they think about you and what their impressions of you are?

We can’t control this, can we? Logically we know this, and yet we spend enormous amounts of time trying to.

Let Go of the 4 Derailers™ and Focus on YOU

Procrastination has to do with what you think about yourself.

How come you’re not spending more time thinking about what your thoughts are about yourself? Because this is the only thing you CAN control.

When you’re coming from a space of punishing yourself and weaponizing your words against yourself you’re not going to show up in the way you know you can or the way you want.

When you spend more time thinking about what you think about yourself, changing THAT story, THAT narrative from the critical narrator to that Inner Wisdom that we all have. Then watch the difference and how it impacts your behavior and the action you take.

You’ll notice your own brilliance, and what you do have to offer.

You will embody the executive presence that you need to influence and lead.

The freedom to be the real you. The independence of your own thinking rather than those old, habitual thoughts that just don’t serve you. What would that feel like?

I’d love to hear from you on this. Leave a comment below and share your thoughts.

If you know you’re ready to stop wasting time being in your head and start changing how you show up, then let’s hop on a Discovery Call together.

And until next time, remember: I believe in you!

More Episodes in the Freedom & Independence Series:

You’re a go-getter and know what you want, yet you just can’t seem to get past your self-sabotaging behaviors. I get it. Stop trying to go it alone. It’s time for us to team up. Schedule a Discovery Call with me today and we’ll talk about all the things – and how partnering is THE best decision you’ll ever make!