Episode 61: What Is Real Self-Care? 4 Ways To Get It
Like many things, the term self-care has been watered down and misinterpreted for women.
Waxing, nail appointments, and massages – these are not self-care, they are body maintenance by our society’s standards.
In episode 61, I share my definition of what real self-care is, what it isn’t, and why self-help books aren’t your answer.
What You’ll Learn:
- What is real self-care? My definition.
- How a calendar keeps you healthy.
- Why I can’t tell you what to do.
- The cycle of depletion you’re in and why you can’t see it.
- Four ways to create real self-care.
Women get caught in the trap of thinking that they should be able to figure this out on their own. They don’t need to ask for help because it makes them look weak or not capable or whatever other nonsense women have been programmed to believe.
Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:
Asking for help is the ultimate in self-care. Schedule your Discovery Call with me today so you can get on with becoming the best version of you that you can be.
Episode 61: What Is Real Self-Care? Plus, 4 Ways To Get It (Transcript)
You are listening to episode 61 of the Create What You Crave Podcast. This is where I get real on what real self-care is, what it isn’t and why self-help books aren’t the solution.
Hey my friends! It’s me, your leadership and life coach who drops in weekly to help you create what you crave. I help adjust your thinking to ensure you’re on the path that will get you there.
How are you this week? If you’re new here, I’d like to extend a big fat welcome – I’m so glad you stopped by for a bit. And of course, I’m grateful for all my loyal listeners. I adore spending time with you all!
I’m on a mission this week and I’m feeling pretty feisty about it. I was talking with a colleague the other day and got on the topic of women and self-care.
She mentioned what a full week she had (over booked again, but that’s another podcast) and that she booked a massage as part of new commitment to self-care.
As she talked more and more about this new commitment, I marveled at how she defined self-care. It sounded more like body maintenance to me – hair, nails, waxing, botox.
That is just what the patriarchal society we live in lays out as the standard of beauty for women. In order for us to be deemed beautiful, we have to do all these things.
In France, most women don’t shave their legs or armpits and they are deemed some of the most beautiful women in the world.
These activities are how we maintain the body we currently have. They are not self-care.
- Exercising is not self-care.
- Meditation is not self-care.
- Eating healthy food is not self-care.
These are things we do to ensure we stay healthy physically and mentally.
What is Real Self-Care?
Real self-care is an internal decision-making process that is threaded through every single big choice that you make in your life.
Real self-care is something that you practice when you’re deciding:
- Who your life partner is
- What type of career you’re going to have
- Whether or not you want to have children
- How you show up in your friendships and in your relationships
- What relationships are no longer working for you
It’s an internal process of making choices that may be uncomfortable about how you spend your time and what you give your energy to. And that is something that is a thread throughout your life. It’s not just something that you cross off, once and done.
The First Self-Care Step I Ask My Clients To Schedule
When I work with my clients, one of the first things we do is look at their calendars and schedule time for them to pee. I know you’re like – what? You schedule that?
Yes, we do because they are booked back-to-back with meetings and no one says no and no one thinks that perhaps people might need a bio break. It’s insane, but this is the world we live in.
So I have them protect 5 minutes between meetings which means they either leave one early or arrive at one late.
Women’s thinking follows a pattern and I certainly see this is my coaching clients.
They get to the point of burning out with all their self-imposed pressure and societal obligations and external pressure, then do a little self-care like a massage or Reiki session to pull them back from the brink of losing it, then lather, rinse, repeat the cycle all over again.
That isn’t sustainable and can create all kinds of health issues.
Client Example of the need to find real self-care
I have a client that uses running to help her release stress. She’s got a ton of life happening right now – remember life is 50/50 and it’s never linear or balanced.
In our sessions I’m showing her what her mind is doing and how using the tools I’m teaching her on a regular basis will help her get out of this cycle of using running to deal with her stresses.
Because running doesn’t help her change her thought patterns or circumstances.
What happens if she breaks a leg or something? She’ll have no tools to help her manage her mind and create resilience.
I get that running has benefits and releases hormones that make you feel good, but that isn’t always available to her.
She can’t jump up from a meeting at work and go running, right? So then what?
True Self-Care Is About The Bigger Picture
Massages, facials, and exercise – are good and I use them, too, but using them as the only way to relieve stress doesn’t stop the cycle.
We have to stop and say wait, real self-care has to be part of how I make proactive decisions about my life.
I’m not just reacting to whatever happens to me. I get to:
- Change the thought patterns and behaviors that I have so that I am actually caring for myself internally.
- Make choices – and some of them are going to be really hard, especially if they involve relationships.
Real Self-Care Is Not Selfish
The other thing I’ve noticed is that women feel guilty about spending money or their time on themselves in this way.
It’s like they aren’t supposed to take time for themselves because that “takes away” from the time they are supposed to be spending with their family.
And when they do, they feel they have to justify it by saying things like, “I have to put my oxygen mask on first…” – like it isn’t acceptable for a woman to just want to get a massage because it feels really good.
We have to explain and defend time to ourselves when we ask our parents or partner to watch the kids so we can have an hour to ourselves.
Instead of saying this is something that’s important to me, I enjoy it and I’m going to do it.
Every single woman has the power to shift things in their life through action.
This personal change will allow you to:
- Show up in your relationships differently
- Help you set boundaries
- Treat yourself with compassion
If you understand that you have power and agency, things are going to shift in your own life.
When I talk about real self-care, that’s what I mean.
4 Ways To Practice Real Self-Care
Now, you might be thinking, okay Barbara, then what do I do for self-care?
Tell me what to do and I’ll go do it.
The truth is, I don’t know what you should do.
I don’t know what’s right for you. You do. That’s why taking time to do the internal growth is crucial to creating the career, relationships and life you crave.
What I will offer is a few recommendations on things to practice to help you get to real self-care:
Boundaries:
Setting boundaries sounds scary because most people think of them as a negative. I offer this – think of it as a pause.
When you go to lunch with a friend or your coworker, turn your phone off and leave it in your purse.
That’s a boundary of I’m not going to use my phone while at lunch with this person. I’m going to be present. Notice if your body is triggered by this suggestion.
Women think we have to be available 24/7. We have a choice. We can turn our phones off for an hour and enjoy time with this person.
Then we can listen to the message, find out what it is and take the time to decide what to do – if anything.
Self-compassion:
When you set boundaries, you’re going to feel guilty. You’ve been socialized to be available to everyone all the time and take care of their needs so it’s natural that you would feel this.
However, guilt doesn’t have to be a bad feeling and you don’t need to berate yourself for feeling it.
Just understand that you are a human that is feeling guilty for doing something that you’ve been trained is selfish.
Of course, you’d feel guilty about that. And you can lessen that amount of guilt by shifting your thinking around it. You get to choose to talk to yourself differently. You get to quiet that bully in your brain.
Define your values:
Did you know you get to choose what’s important to you?
You don’t have to have the same values as your boss or your bestie or anyone else. But most people don’t know what their values are because they’ve never stopped long enough to ask themselves that question.
- What is important to you?
- What do you really want or care about?
Most people can’t answer that question easily or quickly. Your values guide your decisions, so they need to be part of that process.
Power:
I don’t mean power over. You have more power than you think you do and certainly more than you’ve been told you do.
There is so much that we can’t control, but one thing we can is our brain and how we think. That is incredibly powerful because it puts you in the driver’s seat of your life.
This isn’t about controlling others or outcomes. It’s about controlling your responses to them in a way that has high value for you.
Finding the right answers for you takes time. There’s no “5 easy ways to…” in life. Not for the big issues. You have to begin to trust yourself with the smallest of shifts, so you get used to it and are prepared for the bigger life challenges.
My Personal Tools For True Self-Care
I have a situation in my own life that is really challenging for me and I’ve chosen to handle it with an enormous about of self-care.
- I’m not jumping into decisions quickly
- I’m taking my time, asking myself key questions
- Journaling, reading and researching are a key focus
- I also make sure to ask for help
Books are great and I’m a big believer in learning from them. I have dogeared and highlighted more books than I can count. I read some daily because they have so much wisdom in them.
But they are only a tool, not the answer and I think that women in particular get caught in the trap of thinking that they should be able to figure this out on their own.
They don’t need to ask for help because it makes them look weak or not capable or whatever other nonsense women have been programmed to believe.
Real Self-help doesn’t mean you do it alone
It doesn’t mean buying a lot of books and being unable to figure out your brain.
You need to have a partner and that’s why coaching is so crucial to making changes.
Asking for help is the ultimate in self-care.
I’ve hired someone to help me, and I look at this as a partnership – two minds looking at the same issue and seeing what’s possible.
I’m a human and sometimes I can’t see my patterns or solutions.
You’re a human, too, my friend and doing it alone isn’t working for you anymore.
It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to reach out for support to change your patterns that are no longer serving you.
Coaching is THE best self-care investment you will ever make because it’s completely about becoming the best version of you. I can’t think of anything better to invest in, can you? You are so worth it.
Until next time, remember:
I believe in you.