Episode 51: Why You Need To Learn To Receive

One of the reasons we have a difficult time maintaining our vision over the long haul is that it is so difficult for us to receive. We are incredibly good at giving and doing for others. 

Even though women are getting a better at it, there is major room for improvement in the space of learning to receive, a space that encompasses letting in, letting go and asking for help.

What You’ll Learn:

• Answer the question, “Is it better to give than to receive?”
• Why you’re afraid to ask for what you want.
• How to figure out what you want.
• An exercise you’ll want to start right now – and you won’t break a sweat.
• My invitation to you to join me in Italy for the experience of a lifetime.

Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:

Apple | Spotify | Audible 

Are you stumped on what you really want? I can help you clear out all your shoulds and focus on your wants. Schedule a Discovery Call with me today.

Why You Need To Learn To Receive (Transcript)

How are you on this fine day my friend? I am doing very well and am sooooo excited because as of the day this podcast goes live, my new website will have launched. This is a big WAHOOOOOO for me. I love how it turned out and I hope you do, too.

Part of that excitement is because with my new website comes a new resource I created for you on the 4 Derailers™ that is completely free. 

You can enter your name and email and the video and companion workbook I created will be sent to you right away. Check it out here.

This is going to help you tremendously with all that critical and judgmental thinking that keeps you stuck and playing smaller than you’re meant to play.

Once you’ve done the workbook, I’d love to hear how much you loved it and your favorite take-aways, so please send me a note at hello@barbarachurchill.com.

This leads me to today’s topic – learning how to receive.

Learning How To Receive

This is February and I decided to talk about love all month. 

No, not the mushy, romantic love that dominates the media at this time of year with Valentine’s Day just around the corner. 

I think that one day gets way too much attention and puts a ton of pressure on you to have this one day of perfect romantic love shared between two people and completely ignores that in order to have that and truly enjoy it, you have to know how to receive love.

And that’s what I’m going to talk about today. Women and the difficulty they have receiving – and what to do about it.

In the last several years, the idea of self-care has picked up steam, but the definition has been skewed.

Self-care has now become general personal care: exercise, manicures, pedicures… Then we think we are really taking great care of ourselves when we book a massage or facial a couple of times a year. 

While I applaud these types of services and partake in them myself on a regular basis, it’s not really self-care. It’s maintaining the divine body that you have so you can do all the fabulous things you want to do. 

We’ve Never Been Raised To Receive

Historically, women have never been raised or trained on how to receive. We’ve never been told it was good for us to receive. 

Quite the contrary. Women have been raised to be:

• Givers
• Nurturers
• Doers-for-others

And to be honest, we do it quite naturally.

Most women have developed extraordinary “giver” skills in all aspects of their lives. It is in our biology… we are wired to care-take. As a result, many women are living unbalanced and often under-accomplished lives where the door only opens one way, out to others.

Are you living this way? 

I used to. 

Growing up as the youngest child, it was my job to take care of certain family members when I became a teen. Now that doesn’t sound like the typical youngest child characteristics, but I didn’t grow up in the typical household. 

Our society trains girls from a young age that being the nurturer and giver is what they should strive for. Then they will have success as a woman. 

As women grow up watching TV shows and movies where the mother is typically the nurturer, kid-raiser, chief cook and bottle washer, care giver for aging parents, etc. is it any wonder that we buy into the belief that it is our job to give, give, give. 

When is the last time you watched something where the woman asked for what she needed, wanted, and got it – without apology or disclaimer? 

It just hasn’t been modeled for us very much.

Learning to Receive

A lot of women are afraid to say what they want. Or what might be a more factual statement – women don’t know what they want. 

They’ve never taken the time to ask themselves that. They don’t know they CAN ask that question.

That’s why we don’t get what they want. 

But here’s the kicker – I bet you know exactly what the people in your life want, right? That you know without a doubt. 

We get rewarded for giving others what they want. 

We’re called good moms or good friends or good wives.

What a load of BS.

I’m a good mom based on how I love my kids, not on how much I give to them. I would much rather be called a good mom for modeling to my kids that it’s so important to prioritize your needs and wants just as much as those of your family members. 

Wanting what we want, and putting words to it can be risky. 

The point of knowing and asking is not to always get everything that we want, but to get more comfortable with knowing and speaking our needs.

 How about even admitting that you have needs? It’s not a sign of weakness. Every human has needs and those needs and desires are important.

Then there’s the question…

Do you know what you want?

Many of my clients don’t know how to answer that question for themselves. They know what they want in their career, their family – but for themselves? 

I get a lot of blank stares when I ask that question. 

So we start with small wants:

• Weekly time alone
• Share carpool with other parents
• Hire a cleaning service. 

Once those are well ingrained, then we move on to the larger wants – the ones that speak to your soul.

That takes time and there’s a lot of discomfort in making this shift.

We are much more comfortable with giving to others than having others give to us.

I am way more comfortable being the “giver” than the “givee”. 

I’m the first one on the list:

• When someone needs meals after surgery or a death in the family.  
• If someone needs a ride, call me.  
• Going through a divorce and need to talk at 3:00am – I’m your gal. 

I absolutely love being able to help others and it gives me such a lovely full feeling inside, but receiving nurturing gestures from others, that took me a long time to open up to. 

I’m going to be honest. It feels good to be needed. That’s my ego taking over. I feel important when I give and it’s received well. 

When I had my bilateral mastectomy, I had friends and acquaintances offered to bring meals to my home while I was recovering.  My first reaction was, “Oh, that’s so nice of you, but we’ll be fine.  My husband and kids can handle it.”  

When one woman I volunteered with told me that I didn’t have a choice and that she was going to set up a schedule of meals for me, I couldn’t say no.  I had meals delivered to my home for 22 nights. My family loved it and looked forward to each evening and what surprising and delicious meal would be arriving.

At first, I was so uncomfortable receiving the love and gifts of food. I almost felt guilty about accepting the meals.  

The Gift of Receiving

Then as I was chatting on the phone with a friend, she asked me why I had such a difficult time receiving.  I told her I’m much more comfortable giving. That’s when she reminded me that I was actually giving in a way.

I was giving these fabulously generous women the gift of being able to give to me.

She asked me how it felt to give and nurture and when I explained it to her, she said, “So why would you want to deprive someone of feeling that way?”

Oh.  Uh, never thought of it that way.

Big aha for me. 

Learning To Receive: Exercise

Here’s an exercise for you to try:

Today, allow yourself to receive  

Let someone do something nice for you.  Let someone give you a compliment.  Let someone help you.  

Then, stand there and take it in  

Feel it.  Know that you:

• Deserve every beautiful word that has been spoken
• Are worthy of being cared for
• Are allowing someone else to feel that great feeling of being able to give to you.

Do not deflect by saying, “Oh, you don’t have to.”  Do not try to immediately give something back.

Just say, “Thank you.”

Just sit with it.  Absorb it.  Let it soak in. 

Then, do it again tomorrow.

So, Is it better to give than to receive?

I’d say it’s best to do both.

I’d love to give you another opportunity to receive by inviting you to book a Discovery Call with me today to talk about ways that you can increase your level of receiving.

The Universe is waiting to share all its goodness with you, but first you have to be open to receive it. Let’s talk this week, OK?

Until next time my friend, remember:
I believe in you.

Related Create What You Crave Episodes:

• Ep. 32 – Why You Can’t Do It All
• Ep. 22 – Freedom From The 4 Derailers™