Say Goodbye To People Pleasing & Love Yourself Instead (Episode 92)
February is known as the month of love because of Valentine’s Day so I decided all month I’m going to be talking about love and how to prioritize yourself, especially if you’ve experienced a significant loss or are in your next phase of life.
Because making big changes can feel scary for sure, especially when others don’t agree with your choices. And these choices, while they feel right to you, will often involve grieving the old life you had that no longer fits who you’ve grown to be.
This will also include being true to yourself while you end that people-pleasing habit.
What You’ll Learn:
- How taking care of others’ feelings isn’t loving.
- Why women cling to commitments they make.
- The right we all have in life.
- The path to loving yourself.
Listen to the episode above or stream it on your favorite podcast app:
It’s time to stop pleasing others and start pleasing yourself – and I’m just the gal to help you do that. Schedule your Discovery Call with me today. The real you is waiting for you to come out and play!
Say Goodbye To People Pleasing & Love Yourself Instead (Transcript)
You are listening to episode 92 of Your Next Phase Podcast. The one where I connect the dots between the Pleaser Derailer™ and loving yourself.
Hello my friends and welcome! It’s good to be with you again this week to discuss the month of love.
February is known as the month of love because of Valentine’s Day so I decided all month I’m going to be talking about love and how to prioritize yourself, especially if you’ve experienced a significant loss or are in your next phase of life.
Making big changes can feel lonely for sure, especially when others don’t agree with your choices. And these choices, while they feel right to you, will often involve grieving the old life you had that no longer fits who you’ve grown to be.
In this episode, I’m talking about one of The 4 Derailers™ and how much it influences your choices and how you love – others and yourself. Let’s dive into the People Pleaser Derailer™.
A Story About People Pleasing
Let me share a story that just happened last week.
I was talking with a friend, and we were sharing what each of our days looked like. She told me she had committed to going to an event she was invited to and now didn’t want to go.
She was experiencing all these mental gymnastics around not wanting to go and what that said about her… how she was going to disappoint the friend who invited her, how she was going to disappoint others – some of whom she didn’t even know.
So much time and energy spent…
- Ruminating on the fact that she didn’t want to go and how that was somehow wrong.
- On what she made that mean about herself.
She was taking care of everyone else’s feelings, rather than her own.
We’re Used To Putting Ourselves Last
I know this sounds familiar to you because as a woman in our society, we’ve been trained to do this.
We’ve been trained that what we think and feel isn’t as important as the people in our lives and we should be taking their needs into consideration in everything we do.
AKA – we aren’t important and put ourselves last.
Now, we get praised for doing this, but I’m here to tell you that isn’t loving to yourself. It’s not loving yourself to put what you desire, think, or value on the back burner to please others or keep the peace.
It’s really not loving them either.
Think about it. When you attend a party or function and you really don’t want to be there, energetically you’re giving off a vibe that is palpable.
Even though you’re putting on a good show, and wearing the mask, your energy is saying something completely different, and people will feel that.
And when they feel that something is off, they will make up their own story around that, which is rarely true or useful.
Loving ourselves is about checking in and honoring what we think and feel.
We’re allowed to change our minds. Let me say that again. We’re allowed to change our minds.
We can opt out of an engagement we had previously agreed to in a loving way.
We can also say “no” and love ourselves and others while doing it. We forget that. I know I have.
My old pattern was that when I commit to something, I’m all in. Even when it no longer works for me, I’m stuck on that thought, “I said I would, so I have to honor my word.”
You Have Permission To Let Go of People Pleasing
I see this in my clients when we talk about their jobs. They’ve been with a company for a while and committed to a new position and after a few months or years, they find out it’s not what they want to be doing. But they made a commitment, so they stayed. And are miserable.
This happens in marriages, too, especially in those that have lasted several decades.
The divorce rate among people over 50 has dramatically increased in the last five years, and 59% of those divorces are filed by women. They are tired of doing all the work with little in return by way of emotional intelligence and intimacy.
It’s that invisible workload that I’ve talked about here on this podcast. Several of my clients have gone through this and one in particular who has been with her spouse for thirty years realized how much of herself she gave away just to try to “save” the family.
She said,
“I’ve been living for the crumbs, asking and hoping he’d hear my pleas and make the changes. I realized I’m a full slice of cake kind of gal.”
I love this analogy because it’s so crystal clear in its visual and shows how often hope keeps you stuck when reality doesn’t change.
Ask Yourself
- What do I want?
- What’s important to me?
- Does this align with my core values and serve me at my highest good?
The old you thinks your worth depends on how others see you. People pleasers need validation from others to feel good about themselves.
The real you knows differently.
These questions will help you stop pleasing and start honoring yourself. And when you do that, you’re well on your way to loving yourself.
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Alright, my friends. That’s what I have for you this week.
Notice when your mind shifts into People Pleaser mode and turn inward to that wise woman who knows who she is and what she wants. Most importantly, love yourself this week. It’s a beautiful feeling.
Want to connect? Schedule your free Discovery Call with me today so I can help you make the most important commitment ever – to yourself.
Until next time remember: I believe in you.